Journal: - The US Army Signal Corps -

        

I joined the service — the US Army — in 1987. Around that time, I don't recall having a better reason for enlisting other than seeking a serious change in lifestyle. Somehow along the way, my timeline slowed down and it seemed like I was headed nowhere, just drifting towards a paltry existence of mediocrity. I hadn't lost my ambition, but having it was like being "dressed up with nowhere to go" — I was overloaded with ambition and nowhere near the "good life" it promises. My earlier dreams seemed very blurred. Devoid of certain pleasantries, I realized that my life was at a dead-end. Still worse, this crisis didn't just show up overnight — it had been there for quite some time, and I had simply been fast asleep all along. Naturally, I stumbled upon the crossroads of change, choice, and above all, adventure. The question then was: Am I ready? It looked like the path before me lay paved with the tarnished stones of mediocrity. My immediate destiny was undoubtedly empty and thoroughly dim — somewhat dark, and on the whole, very depressing. I was not living the life I wanted or needed.         

        Without the expressed ownership of it, I thought: "What in the world happened to the goals I was carrying around, and when did they evaporate — and if so, where did they go?" Some other life was living me, and I just couldn't put my finger on it. It seemed like my life, for all the foolhardy and aimless happenstance things going on in it, was a big joke. Unfortunately, I had lost the sense of humor I needed for a good laugh. I was living a selfless life, and my dreams were not just broken — they were dying a selfless death. I needed to rediscover myself, find my dreams, pick them up, and get to a place far away from the mess I found myself in whilst living in New York City. There is a time for everything; for me, it was a reckoning — a time for repair. I yearned to leave the City, to get it behind me, and to stay away for a while — perhaps a very long while indeed. Things were just that bad, and a change was long overdue. 

There is a happy world out there, and I was not a part of it - neither spiritually, mentally, nor emotionally - and I needed to find it and live in it. In essence, this was not a joking matter, and very far from being funny. It was serious, so serious that my reluctant permission, disguised as helplessness, had rendered me with a lifestyle struck with a paralysis mired in boredom. Except for being an avid reader, listening to music, mild entertainment, eating well, and getting plenty of rest, life didn't seem to have anything to do with my real meaningful goals and the things I truly wanted to accomplish. My ambitions had become suffocated by the dust of time and circumstances; they lay bare and dormant, dying a selfless, senseless death of inertia. Something had to give. This cycle had to be broken. Something had to be done for the better. 

        I got a wake-up call — a very real, rude awakening indeed. 

 Newton's First Law of Motion: "An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force." This principle compelled me to take action.

Then, there was this other perspective: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude towards it. Don't complain." — Maya Angelou.

Since I was in dire need of rediscovery - hoping for complete renewal along the lines of self-reinvention — I embarked upon this vital project as if my very breath of life was in danger. In all likelihood, my life was in jeopardy, and even though not in the physical sense, it was just as much in danger otherwise. A personal catastrophe of this kind demanded serious introspection and examination of self. I had to not only find myself, but renew and append that self with constructive meaning. In other words, Knight-18 was in need of an overhaul, an upgrade, and a refinement. 

        In such desperation and bold intent, I really didn't care about the hesitation of pondering whether it should be the "old" me or an improvised version of a brand-new me. I toyed with the idea briefly, but couldn't afford the baggage of posturing. I craved, wholeheartedly, putting my project in motion — leaving the ugliness and the sour grapes behind. Color was returning to my life. Quite remarkably, having identified the culprits and elements of my problems - real and imagined - and actually going about doing something about them, filled me with a sense of justice and enthusiasm. I was overcome with a yen for adventure; it grabbed me, and I ran with it. And then it dawned on me: that revised self — the very one that would host the hopes and aspirations of a refreshed and invigorating personality — was actually beckoning me, and not from afar. It was right up front, calling out to me. Having hacked into my soul, a light came on and a new direction emerged. By the grace of God, hope came alive. For this thing to work — as the proverbial saying goes — I needed to get out of "Dodge," and I needed not to tarry. Some bridges ought to be burned; no looking back, save to making sure I was heading in the right direction. With this resolution in mind, I saw it was inevitable and necessary that I extract myself from my overall environment. I had to leave the people, places, and things that were the framework of my sad circumstances. It was not any one individual element in this setting that was contributing to my grief. Rather, it was the unique combination of these same people, places, and things — including my own bent-out-of-shape disposition — that were to blame. I soul-searched and thought long and hard. I finally resolved myself to a paradigm shift — and it turned out to be a drastic one indeed. Much thanks to Newton's Law, I reached a new plateau of self-confidence, which provided me with a reinvigorating sense of challenge and a yearning for travel, adventure, and discovery. Naturally, I decided to leave New York City — actually, New York on the whole — and possibly the USA itself. "Forgive your country every once in a while. If that is not possible, go to another one." In order to see things clearly, I needed to withdraw, pull away, and step back to assess my situation and circumstances objectively. I needed a clearer perception of myself, my dilemma, my goals, and my options — to come up with a resolution based on thinking outside of the box. I meditated quite a lot, and this took me to places spiritually that were, for the most part, soothing and refreshing. Consequently, I moved myself out of my own way, and quite surprisingly, I began to see my circumstances in a better light — with much better clarity and depth — and exactly what needed to be done to fix my situation. 

 Lo and behold - I enlisted in the US Army Signal Corps in November of 1987. Shortly thereafter - still in November 1987 - I was heading to Fort Jackson in Columbia, South Carolina. 

Army life changed my world-view. It took me to several different places in the world… 

 "Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong attitude." — Thomas Jefferson 

— Knight-18 

| US Army Signal Corps, 1987 | Follow on Twitter @GasBag_18

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